HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.