Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
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This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
He a real one for that
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?