-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m aging like a fine banana
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.