her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter