The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
How dude HOW?!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Mornin
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.