Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
be careful
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs