I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99