Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.