No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch