I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
How is it still this week?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.