Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.