Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Spring cleaning checklist…
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad