I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My kitchen overserved me.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔