Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
You Might Also Like
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
this is what they would have looked like, though
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some