I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
any last words?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.