Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.