hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
#StillHurts
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks