I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean