IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You Might Also Like
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.