My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
some cats are just doing for fun!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket