It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Worst bar ever.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Doggies just call it style.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes