And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.