I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Plant care tips
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron