Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*praying for world peace*
God:
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?