BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
LOL
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs