A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.