Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
That was easy.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.