I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?