Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My first child will be named New Folder.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
*weighs self after shaving
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*