I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
🤣✨#caturday
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down