A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.