Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
work smarter, not harder
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
this is me
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.