ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”