Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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this is so top tier i cant
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.