I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted