My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
consequences, the bane of my existence
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
look at me when i’m typing to you
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you