the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.