Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*