Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately