DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
this is funnier than any friends episode
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what