BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?