You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem