I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
We’ve come full circle
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
this is how life feels
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”