me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.