everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.