The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.