If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Who knew!
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.