No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
thanks auntie mary
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.