No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
sigh
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
#catsoftwitter
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.