Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You Might Also Like
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.